I Won't Say Goodbye
by not some barbie
Summary: Not even a heartfelt speech could fix his wrong. Maybe letting her go was the best thing. Contains spoilers. R


I killed my wife. Maybe not physically but by the look in her eyes I can see that she is dead. Her feelings for me no longer existing, just a memory. I struggle desperately to think of the right words to say, but it is just silence. Tears begin to well up in her eyes as the whole room focuses their attention on me. What could I say? What could I possibly do to fix this horrible mistake? When I look into her eyes, I don't see anger or disappointment, I see humiliation. Why did this have to happen? Why now? I'm not proud of my past. My whole life I've lived like a wild animal, never caring about who I hurt or what I did. My life was full of drunken hook ups and meaningless promises. I'm not that guy anymore. Occasionally he will try to make an appearance but, I push him away. This guy from my past is now a mystery to me.

The room is buzzing with loud and obnoxious voices, but I don't hear them. My eyes stayed locked with Haley's before she quickly exits from the house. Should I follow her? Of course, but I can't bring myself to do so. This is a kind of betrayal that I can't fix right now. This happened so long ago, but it does not change a thing, not in Haley's eyes. It is one thing to know about what I have done in the past, but to see it in front of everyone, that is just unforgivable. God, I don't even remember that night. I was drunk and Peyton and I were fighting as usual, and there she was. Brooke was equally as drunk and we just ..did it. I did not even remember there was,..I can't believe I am going to say this - a tape, but there was. I am such an idiot. I promised her, I promised Haley that I would let her all the way in, that I would tell her the truth. This is just another one of the many things that I kept from her, but it was not on purpose. This has got to stop, I can't keep making excuses for my repulsive actions, but I cannot help it.

I take a step outside and notice that the car is missing. Haley was gone and honestly, I don't blame her. She should not have had to stand there, watching me with someone other than her. Her face keeps replaying in my mind, that look of humiliation and despair; no one deserves to feel that way. Haley deserves better then me. A person with her heart and soul doesn't deserve to be humiliated and betrayed by her husband and best friend. She is the most forgiving person in the entire world, and despite all the stupid things I have done in the past, she forgave me. But I am not sure her forgiveness is going to grace me this time. Do I want her forgiveness? Of course I do. But I do not deserve it. In all honesty, I would not be a bit surprised if I got home and she was gone. I want my wife and son to have a wonderful, peaceful life and maybe they will, but I don't deserve to be part of that happiness.

The lights in the apartment are on and I can see that Haley is still awake. I slowly walk to the bedroom, thinking of exactly the right words. I see that her suitcase is lying open our are bed, dozens of clothes scattered about everywhere. Fear strikes my heart as Haley walks out of the bedroom, her eyes red. "Haley I -"

"Nathan, please don't even try. Your speeches mean nothing to me anymore. All you do is lie to me Nathan and I am sick of it. There is no excuse for what I had to see tonight. You could explain this until hell freezes over and it still won't make a difference. You lied to me. You lied after you promised that you would let me all the way in. I forgave you for a lot of things Nathan. More then you deserve and I just cannot do this anymore."

"So, you are leaving?" I questioned softly, twisting my wedding ring around my finger. "Look Hales -" She sends me a glare. "Haley, I know that I tell you that I am sorry a lot, but I am. You are right, there is no way that I can talk myself out of this. But you have at least got to hear me out. I -I know that I was a bad person back then, but who I was in that tape was not in love with the most beautiful girl in the entire world.."

Haley rolled her eyes. "This is beginning to sound like one of your speeches Nathan."

"Fine - well I mean - you know me, Haley!" I manage to choke out between sobs. The last time I cried was when I thought that I lost my wife and son, but the tears I am crying now are worse. "God I love you so much. You are the only girl that has ever truly mattered to me. Sex before you never mattered because those girls never had my heart." She sighs and continues to pack things neatly in her suitcase. "Where are you going?"

"Over to Lucas's house. I need to get away Nathan. I still love you, but I can't be around you right now. I wish I could understand it all, but honestly I don't. Right now my main priority in life is our son."  
I want to plead with her to stay, beg on my hands and knees if I had to. "Haley.."

She stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes and I knew what was coming. I had to let her scream at me. She had every right in the world and I was going to let her do it."I had to watch my husband on a tape having sex. Seriously Nathan, what the hell was that? What were you thinking? Not only were you having sex, but you were having sex with Brooke! God, I am seriously disgusted. I don't even want you to touch me. I am going to be constantly reminded that you slept with Brooke. Geez, and I thought you sleeping with my sister was bad enough. When I married you I had all these insecurities because you had so much experience and I so little, but I ignored it. Tonight all those insecurities that I felt were brought back up once again. I know that I am not looking that beautiful right now and I feel self conscious and seeing that tape just made me feel worse. I am not an idiot. I know that you had sex with a lot of girls before me, but I want to know that I am the only one that matters. Do you remember our first time together? Nathan, I was so scared that I was shaking, but you were just the sweetest guy in the entire world. I honestly wasn't expecting it, but you surprised me. You know how to drive me crazy and every time you touch me I just want to burst. Sure, you are the only guy I have ever been with, but because I love you I feel so much. It hurt me to know that I wasn't your first time, but I understood that you use to be a different a guy and you had changed. But seeing that tape tonight, it made me remember the guy you use to be. The guy I couldn't stand and I was scared. Nathan we are having a baby and I need you to be the guy who promised to keep me safe. I cannot be feeling insecure with my husband, not now. I am exhausted Nathan and I just - I need to get going." 

"Can you ever forgive me Haley?"

She sighs and shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know."

There was nothing that I could say to what she had sad. Nothing that would make any difference in the world, but I just pulled her into a hug and she didn't resist. I breathed in her sweet perfume for memory and then I let her go. She never looked back. Understanding this is difficult, but I know it is for the best. Love has been said to change the outcome of situations, and I hope to God it is the truth. I know that my wife and I will, one day, be happy again, and that we will raise our son in a loving family, but for now I know that she needs time to forgive me. To remember the guy I am, not the guy I use to be.


End file.
